jason's big head

Checking In After One Year

2007-08-29T20:06:00.001-07:00

It's now been almost a full year since I've dropped away from the blog-thing, and all I can say is:

My backyard smells like syrup.

'Has for weeks now, as if we painted the house with the stuff.

That's about all, folks. Life is great, work is rewarding, New Mexico is amazing. Mel is doing great after a honeymoon-related ACL injury. The joke has been made, folks. No need to go there.

I'm certainly on the path to be one of the millions abandoning their blogs. I'll check in every now and then, barring a huge bout of free time and/or life changing moment.

Until then, eat waffles. Go devils.

checking in

2007-07-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

we're happily married, loving new mexico, and for the moment, not blogging much.
thanks for checking in, ya stalkers.

We. Are. Moving.

2006-08-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

Got the dream job. We're moving to New Mexico.

While NM may be one of the only states in the nation stranger than Missourah, the job opportunity is everything I could have ever dreamed about, and more. Being closer to B, M &W...and the possibility of the parents building a cabin in Taos...makes the deal sweeter than I can describe here in words.

I post here occasionally so that my family can see what we're up to out here in the State of Misery: thanks to you all for your continued support and fond wishes as we transition.

Closing ruminations about St. Louis to follow, along with further details as to the impetus of the move.

For now, saddle up. The next few months are going to be a wild ride.

Willow

2006-08-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

zen sandbox, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Willow is now talking up a storm. Every morning of my visit she knocked on my bedroom door, wanting to show me her arsenal of toys. Her saying "Uncle Yason" is just about the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Moooooo

2006-08-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

socked in, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

On the high road from Taos, heading back to Santa Fe.

B: Ahhhhh, look at the baby cow.
M: We should bring him home. He could be a friend for the dog and a pet to Willow.
Me: Or veal. Tender, tender veal.

I seem to be lacking in certain animal protective traits that my brother and sister-in-law hold dear.

A Quick Note to Edward

2006-07-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

You owe me $50.

"We Need It"

2006-07-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

I overheard the above-referenced statement no less than six times in an hour yesterday, in reference to an unexpected rainstorm rolling through the area.

I know, people. I completely agree that we need the precipitation. But, for the love of Neil Diamond, can we PLEASE just pretend that we have other things to talk about? Can we please just vary from our polite-Midwestern-script just a little bit?

As a side note: please put me down like Barbaro. The transormation is complete: I just referred to myself as a midwesterner. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Ted Stevens Has Been Pulling Massive, Massive Tubes

2006-07-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Much ado has been made of late about Ted “The Internet Is Not a Big Truck” Stevens’ comments regarding the internet a few days ago. The Daily Show had a great piece on it, and the topic is already very close to dead horse status.

That being said, this techno remix absolutely kills me (via wonkette):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtOoQFa5ug8&eurl=

The question is: is the internet not a big truck because all the big trucks are stuck in traffic on his pork-laden "Bridge to Nowhere"?

Unplugged

2006-07-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

drops, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

All kinds of crazy happenings going on out here in Mizzurah. Unplugging from the blog while things work themselves out.

*A collective sigh is felt around the country, as thousands of my minions bow their heads in sadness. Carry on, my deadicated readers, and know that there is life beyond this blog.*

Boarding Group Stabby

2006-06-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

Boarding Group Stabby, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

I commented a little while back on the trials and tribulations of flying on Southwest. While I feel bad at poking fun of such a harmless, innocent, texas-bred-and-thus-automatically-pitiful* company...I must. I'll keep flying them, my being cheap and enjoying peanuts, but I'll probably keep bitching. A'ite.

1) My ticket clearly stated that I was flying from San Jose to Phoenix, Phoenix to St. Louis. Simple enough, right? In reality, on the way to Phoenix we stopped in Burbank to pick up some folks. Okay, no big deal...would have been nice to know, but...whatever. Change planes in Phoenix...but it is too hot in Phoenix to put fuel in the plane. Again: it was too hot in Phoenix to put fuel in the plane. As a result, we had to take off and limp our way to Oklahoma City for a "quick pit stop." That is a lot of take-offs and landings, folks. A lot of pre-takeoff and post-landing federally mandated speeches. Which brings me to my main, albeit cliche'd, gripe...

2) The above wouldn't be so terrible if it wasn't for the incessant hammy jokes by the flight attendants. My favorite came just after a bumpy landing: "That wasn't the captain's fault, or the first mate's fault...that was asphalt." Not bad on its own, admittedly, but after twelve hours of jokes regarding cellphones, peanuts, and that wacky guy who takes his belt of before the "bing," and I was ready to get stabby. Please, Southwest attendents....STOP.

3) The high waisted khaki uniform-pants. Is point #2 revenge on us for having to wear pants that come up to your nipples? Only the Hooter company's faux-tan stockings are more annoying.

*Relax, ya crazy texans. I was partially raised in texas so I have a right to kid. Plesae don't shoot/electrocute/pollute/fence me off. Ya'll.

happy trails

2006-06-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

happy trails, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Paris Hilton is Not a Rolemodel

2006-05-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

We're in a mexican bar/restaurant, enjoying margaritas on Cinco de Mayo. The bar, usually a pretty laid back hipster kind-of place, has a special promotion going on, wherein a bathing suit company is doing a promotion involving two dozen very young girls walking around in bikinis. Not inherently a terrible thing, mind you, just a little offsetting for a restaurant. More disturbingly, the average weight of each girl is about 75 pounds.

One, who looks identical to Paris Hilton(blonde hair, big sunglasses, runny nose), approaches Melissa and I to chat us up and hand out bikini propaganda. Melissa is suppressing laughter and the urge to offer to split her tacos with the emaciated tweener.

Somehow during this stimulating conversation we mention we're from LA, and her eyes light up like dull christmas lights. She looks at us like we're the key to her future movie, modeling, nightclubbing, tabloid career. I look at her and get depressed, envisioning her returning to St. Louis in 5 years with a drug habit, after being spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

She likes Melissa's shirt, a festive Mexican number. Paris-lite asks her where she got such a cool Mexican shirt, wherein Melissa sarcastically replies, "Spain."

"Like UHMYGOD," she says, "My family is like...TOTALLY FROM HUNGARIA!"

Funny on so many levels.

These. Girls. Rock.

2006-05-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ew-3IO5axo&search=chinese%20boys

Only in Los Angeles

2006-05-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

sunset, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Went to LA last weekend.

After the Laker game, I am seated in the Hotel bar enjoying a nightcap and talking to the interesting cast of characters assembled.

To my left is a woman who never learned "rock-scissors-paper" because she believed it to be gambling, and therefore immoral. I taught her the rules and swept her in a best of seven series, winning a drink.

To my right are a professional of the oldest profession and her handler. Two VERY drunk men enter the bar, have a short discussion with the pimp, and take their places on either side of the woman. In a disturbing/disgusting twist, the Johns rotate between talking to her and me. I feel dirty simply being in their presence.

The symbolism involved in having an over-the-top bible banger on one shoulder and the hooker-loving drunks on the other is not lost on me. I am very careful not to mix up the individual conversations to either side, which I somehow manage to carry on simultaneously.

Tired from the fight for my soul between good and evil, I quickly leave. In front of me waiting for the elevator is a young woman with batons of some kind in her hand. Curious...and obviously not having learned any lessons that evening...I ask about what the heck they were.

They were flags, reported the girl, which she used to wave at God our Lord Savior. Asked whether she thought God liked it, she assured me that she was a shoe-in at the pearly gates. I wish her good luck, tell her there is a bar seat open downstairs, and go to bed.

Apparently angels haven't fully given up on Los Angeles, they're around... just a lot friggin' stranger than the stories would have us believe.

grass roots

2006-04-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

grass roots, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

this woman wanted people to sign a petition, calling for the people of farmington to impeach the mayor because electric rates are too high('cause, you know...the mayor is responsible for such things). ironically, it was in a gas station/minimart parking lot where gas is being sold for close to 3 bucks per gallon, being fed into a steady stream of big trucks and suvs. along with the gasoline being purchased, a huge percentage of the patrons were leaving the market with cases of milwaukee’s best.

h20

2006-04-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

h20, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Click through for pics from our weekly hike. This lil loop has more ahhhhhhs per mile than anything I've seen since east clear creek, in arizona, when i was in college. Which says a lot: things looked a lot more...um...interesting those days. That clean desert air and all, I'm sure.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

2006-04-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Stumbled upon Vanity Fair's "Green Issue," which discusses threats to the environment and what celebrities are doing to help save the planet.

The magazine is made of 100% NON recycled paper. Who said hollywood is out of touch and maybe-just-a-little-bit full of shit?

SL Headlines 101

2006-04-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

"Child who went missing from Dellwood gas station found unharmed"
article

In Missurah, if your car is jacked with your child in the safety seat while you pay for gas inside the station, your child has “gone missing.”

Thankfully she was dropped off unharmed before the jacker wrecked the SUV, but doesn’t the headline infer that the kid wandered off someplace, maybe chasing butterflies or such? The girl didn’t innocently go missing; she was inadvertently kidnapped as a result of negligent parenting.

St. Louis Post-Dispatch, headline rule #1: skew everything to make the situation appear less bleak or less besmirching to the region.

Traveling

2006-04-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

I've been traveling quite a bit for work these days. I am absolutely fried, sick of airports and hotels. A few quick notes:

When planning a business trip to the metropolis of Lincoln, Nebraska, do your research beforehand and try to avoid going the same time that the Future Farmers of America are in town for their annual convention. 10,000 screaming teenagers cut loose in the Big City do not equate with a pleasurable hotelling experience.
The Cornhusker Hotel is, in fact, exactly how you imagine it. Less the screaming teenagers, above.
Flying Southwest can be a soul-crushing experience. I have real issue with the people who put their bags in the "A" line, and then go sit in a chair. If you want that space you have to stand and be miserable like the rest of us.
Ordering Chardonnay at a bar in Nebraska gets you dirty looks. Having a conversation regarding how much you miss San Francisco while drinking chardonnay in the same bar could, in fact, get you killed.
Note to self: more beer and steak, less wine and talk of california cuisine. When ordering said steak, the bloodier the better. Extra points for saying something along the lines of: "I want that steer almost breathing," or (to quote Dennis Leary), "I'll cut off what I want and ride the rest home."

Weekend Update

2006-04-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

dog is my copilot, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Weekend update:

Went to Atomic Cowboy for dinner and drinks on Friday. We love this bar, seeing as it resembles something found in California more than the Lou. Good dj's, a nice patio with bonfire, an eclectic mix of gays, striaghts, diffferent races. And people: they actually have a better-than-decent fish taco here. Full on baja-style, with shredded cabbage and lightly breaded fish. The guacamole is homemade and fan-friggin-tastic. It's no Yuca's, but not bad for SL.
Saturday morning we went for a hike "out 55" (read: south on highway 55) to a beautiful limestone slot canyon. Nice little walk, with a lot of water and muliple stream crossings. Payton was in doggie heaven, spending more time in the creek than on trail.
Saturday night I drank wine and watched the NCAA basketball tourney, which ends this evening. Melissa is happy about this, as is my kidneys. But, alas, baseball season starts today. The Cards are a religion in this town, not just a sport, and I have happily joined the bandwagon.
I mentioned below our crazy-drunken-hermit neighbor, and her puzzling disappearance. Shortly after my posting, she returned (from either her stint in rehab or Florida) without fanfare. On sunday morning, we were awoken with a crazy thunderstorm before dawn. Melissa woke up and looked out the bathroom window, which overlooks her yeard. She was OUT IN THE RAIN, in a bathrobe, cleaning up the newspaper pile I had previously mentioned. Thunder and lightening were crashing around her while the crazy old bat collected newspapers in the semi darkness. Did she read my blog? Is there a neighborhood spy alerting her to my post? If so, let this stand as a formal invitation to Crazy Hermit Neighbor Lady to come over and introduce yourself over cocktails. It's only been a year, it would be nice to get to know you.

springtime in SL

2006-03-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

spring, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

70 and sunny...spring is slowly creeping into SL. Things to look forward to:

-Jean shorts. Budweiser tank tops.
-Bass fishin reports as lead news items
-Meth mouth fashion statements
-Robins chirping wildly at 3:30 am
-Praxair explosions
-Allergens and mosquitos

Or:
-Cardinal games
-Free concerts at the botannical garden
-Outdoor dinners on CWE patios
-Forest Park
-Barbecues not requiring fleece
-Discovering WTF this "warshers" game is
-Wentzville dog park and frolf course

I guess it all really depends on how snarky we're feeling today?

Extra Large Vegas Ambulances

2006-03-30T12:27:00.000-08:00

All you can eat buffets. Outdoor moving sidewalks. A culture trying everything in its power to distance itself from anything of the natural world.

Why am I not suprised that the city of Las Vegas now has to special order extra large ambulances?

And, if you need an extra large bus to drive you to the ER, aren't ya kinda past helping anyways? Much of a need to rush you to the hospital? Wouldn't the walk do ya good?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12069611/?GT1=7850

9/11 Conspiracy

2006-03-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I am embarrassed, ashamed, or angry, but pieces like the attached really make me wonder about the possibility that we were fed a hoax regarding 9/11.

Like most americans I certainly do not want to think about it any more than I have to, go through the pain again. But, if there is a "they, or them"...and I'm not yet saying there is... isn't that exactly what they want? For us all to silently believe what we were spoon fed, and be afraid?
http://nymag.com/news/features/16464/index.html
and
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8260059923762628848&q=911

Watch the second with an open mind, when you have some time.

I do not have a tinfoil hat on my head.

Tuesday Randomness

2006-03-21T14:49:00.000-08:00

Us Missouri-ans (missourites? missouronians?) are all very excited about the glorious return of spring. As I gaze out of my office window, I see tulips blossoming, robins chirping, and girls in sundresses. Or not. What I really see is an inch of snow, howling winds, and depressing gray clouds. Damn, the peyote must be wearing off.
Blogger.com's spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "blogger."
The lady who lives next door to us is a drunken hermit. We only see her when she's parking her car on the street after baseball games (bumper-car parallel parking, mind you), or when she's yelling at people parking in "her spot." Her spot consists of the chunk of public street in front of her house.* With the exception of one brief sighting, the last time we saw her was on Halloween. She had gotten pulled over by the police, for what we all assumed was drunk driving. When the officer asked her to step out of the car...I shit you not...she fell out of the car and into the officers arms. Somehow she wasn't arrested, and the cops were friendly enough to park her own car for her. If she was too drunk to park her own car, wouldn't logic dictate she be arrested for DWI? She didn't actually hit the ground: is this "no harm, no foul" in Missurah? So, anyways...she's been missing ever since. Jail? Rehab? Snowbird? Locked in her basment with 137 cases of Costco whiskey? Honestly, I could care less. What bothers me is that she hasn't cancelled her newspaper subscription. The delivery guys are smart enough to throw the papers into her backyard, but the collection of old papers is getting HUGE. Completely over running her backyard, and spilling into ours. Photographic evidence to follow shortly. At least she collects backdated news stories and not cats.
Wedding planning is actually kinda fun. We're planning a long weekend in baja, an extended party for friends and family. Guestlists and locations and cocktail parties and golf outings are easy. What I didn't see coming are the protocols invloved in invitations, save the dates, colors, flowers, the cake, etc. We're getting married in Mexico: can't we do without alot of this protocol crap? Melissa's response, time and time again, is a firm: "yes." I am blessed: no bridezilla nightmare up over here. For now. Just don't fuck with the dress.
*Melissa was complaining the other day about somebody parking in "her" spot, in front of our house. Is she on her way to becoming a crazy drunken hermit who doesn't retrieve newspapers from her yard? Is this a Missouri thing? It's a public street, folks. In San Francisco you're lucky if you find a place to park in the same area code as your front door, much less in front.
We went and saw Wilco live on Sunday. I completely missed the Wilco thing for years...Apparently, I was too busy going to clubs 5 nights a week in CA to really appreciate what is really a good band. Gotta love discovering something cool later in life. Even if I did completely miss the boat. What am I missing now?
If you answer Hillary Duff or any other "band" on MTV, please move on.
We cook fabulous meals almost every evening. Tonight, however, I am serving corndogs and chili, with girl scout cookies for dessert. We're a long way from california cuisine, Todo.
Speaking of girl scout cookies: 1) When the hell did it become acceptable for parents to hawk huge amounts of their kid's product at offices? Lazy, coddled kids these days, the spoiled friggin brats. 2) Is it disgusting to eat an ENTIRE BOX of tagalongs in one sitting?

Okay, I am listed out, as I am sure you are too.

hotel valley ho

2006-03-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

hotel valley ho, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Melissa and I spent the weekend in Arizona a friend's wedding. I pictured a triumphant return to the town in which I attended college, hours in between activities spent laying poolside, sipping on margaritas. I booked us a room at the impossibly hip Hotel Valley Ho for the sole purpose of having a cool pool by which to lounge.*

Friday was cold, windy and cloudy, and it rained all day Saturday. ALL DAY SATURDAY. They got SNOW in Arizona, folks. Thankfully, the wedding and reception were indoors so there were not any interruptions for Brandon and Amy’s ceremonies. But damn, I should have saved the money and stayed at a pool-less Holiday Inn.

Oh, and it was 85 degrees here in Missouri on Saturday. Perfect pool weather, less the tornadoes.

Can I chalk this up as me harboring some kind of bad-karma-weather action, or blame it on the age-old standby: global warming? Either way, am I crazy for planning an outdoor wedding, even in Cabo? Have I never heard the word, "hurricane?"

*click though for more pics via my flickr page

brandon and amy

2006-03-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

brandon and amy, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

redchair

2006-03-13T13:11:00.001-08:00

redchair, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

i have something in my eye

2006-03-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

i have something in my eye, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Midwest Represent...

2006-03-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edhQtRnUito&search=lazy%20sunday

The beginning is slow, but if I can't get the Lazy mania out of my head, than ya'll are gonna have to go with me. Straight outta Hudson, yo.

Wedding Planning

2006-02-28T14:15:00.000-08:00

Planning a wedding, as it turns out, is kind of a big deal. Hmmmm. Who'da thunk it would be more than a little more complicated than a backyard barbecue? Hmmmm: maybe I'll bug Melissa about getting married in the backyard. We could do is Missurah style:

One keg budweiser
Two bottle jack daniels
Popcorn apps
Steak. Lots and lots of Steak. The captial "S" is not a typo in this state
Lynard Skynard tribute band
Lake of the Ozarks honeymoon: bring the dog and do some shootin'.

Done deal.

In reality we're leaning towards a beach wedding in baja, a place which has special meaning for us. It was our first getaway trip together when we were doing the long distance thing, and the first place I told her I loved her. Tequila WAS involved in that memory, and I think it is only fair for it to be included in a wedding ceremony.

Maybe here, so that we can rent the entire hotel. And maybe get some surfing in. Just maybe.

Because Melissa and I are two of the most anally retentive, obsessive compulsive disorder having, list making freaks on the planet, the planning of this party is either going to be real easy... or a subject of future therapy.

It's Official

2006-02-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

Email I sent out last week:

"Friends and Family*:

Melissa and I got engaged on Tuesday, both her birthday and Valentine’s Day. Many of you know my complete inability to remember important dates, so I am doing everything I can to ensure that every important occurrence moving forward falls on the 14th of February. All future weddings, births, parties and celebrations will have this target date moving forward. The fact that Melissa had a terrible stomach flu that day didn’t even dissuade me from my plan; I consider the fact that she hasn’t thrown up since I proposed a sign that our marriage will be strong. What little girl doesn’t dream of such a romantic way to be asked for her hand in marriage? For this, and an infinite number of other reasons, I am a lucky dude.

We have not yet decided on a date or location, although you can guess when I’m pulling for."

Pictures to follow.

My favorite response I received was from my Uncle Duck, arguably the funniest, kindest person on the planet:

"Hello J:You have no idea how happy we are! Kathy and I both love you and Melissa.

You could crawl on your hands and knees across India (As the devotes in my former religion used to say it would take to find a guru) to find a Melissa. I remember (sort of) this song Sweet Melissa by somebody from the 60's or 70's or gasp 80's. Actually I don't remember anything about that song but I do know that your Melissa has a big heart, is very smart, is very insightful and will zing you when you need it. She is also a kick in the head. Lucky you.

As far as the wedding date goes I will always remember that you proposed 4 days after Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 73 year old man in the face, because he thought that old man was a tiny innocent little bird with a very beautiful little feathery crown, and so will set my calendar accordingly. As far as the ceremony goes, your brother raised a very high bar, in my mind, because that was the best wedding I have ever been to. You should also know I prefer funerals to weddings because of the honesty factor. So raising the bar might be very easy. Well screw me. Do what you want and we be will be happy.

If I was you and wanted to have a wedding where like maybe 8 people attended have it in Sapa, or Cat Ba, Vietnam. Magic!

If you want a crowd I'd vote for St. Louis or AZ or Mexico. Please stay away from the pro commie RED states.However if you decide to be married in a biker bar in New Jersey we will be there.

PPS: I'm sorry I played with your toys when you were a little kid."

"My Coolest Story EVER"

2006-02-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

Bryan is spending a week backcountry skiing with friends in Alaska. This morning I received this email from him, with the title: "My Coolest Story EVER."

"Well, at least my coolest story since Willow has been born. SO COOL in fact, that I'm not even going to hint in this letter what this story may be about, but be warned: I'm calling you soon, and you're going to hear one rad fuckin' story. And NO it has nothing (err...very, very little) to do with skiing or snow).

Will be calling you shortly so that you can share in the super-cool life of Bryan."

The urgent and excited nature of the email led me to speculate to no end. He found a frozen caveman in the wilds of Alaska? He saved ANWAR? He brokered a deal selling alaska to Canada? Bryan has lead a pretty amazing life with all sorts of adventures and stories. Could anything top past escapades?

Nope. It seems Bryan was in a ski-bum bar last night, where he ran into a friend from New Mexico. The friend, as it turns out, was in town documenting Tony Hawk on a 10 day backcountry skiing adventure for Men's Health (or some similar mag). The friend, apparently, called Tony Hawk over to introduce my brother as "someone he should meet." The following was important to Bryan because:

1) He was introduced as someone for Tony Hawk to meet, not the other way around

2) After the introduction, Tony Hawk was swarmed by hucksters at the bar. Tony Hawk later thanked Bryan for being so "chill" in his conversations, unlike the other swarming patrons of the bar. Bryan has mastered the art of "chill," it seems. Even Tony Hawk recognizes his powerful inner chillness.

This event, in Bryan's words, now rates just under the birth of his daughter. Nobody said the men of the Lott household were mature. I'm just pissed he didn't mention to Tony Hawk how the Bones Brigade movies changed my life. Chin was here, dude.

LD Country

2006-02-16T15:45:00.000-08:00

LD Country, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

I've never lived in a City that has such a fine line between disparity and wealth. My neighborhood was saved (or ruined, depending on perspective) in the 80's by urban pioneers who braved the crime and began rehabbing houses.

Today, half-million dollar rehabbed mansions* (one a former home of a beer baron, so the story is told) sit next door to dilapidated abandoned shells, slowly deteriorating by means of a new growth urban forest. One house's landscaping is another's demise.

Al Capone used to play poker in this house. Today it has been taken over by another breed of gangster, one who doesn’t seem to employ the same clandestine sensibilities.

*Yes, in St. Louis you can buy a beer baron's mansion for .5 million dollars. Not a typo.

Man Shot By Cheney "Very Stable"

2006-02-13T07:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently Vice President Cheney shot his hunting partner, who to no surprise to me turns out to be a lawyer, while quail hunting over the weekend.

Other than being evil, the guy is fine. Which means we can make fun of him. Favorite parts to the AP story:

"In 1999, then-Gov. George W. Bush named him to the state Funeral Services Commission, which had been stung by allegations of widespread corruption and mismanagement in the industry."
-No shit? A Bush appointee stung by allegations? And further: how big is the funeral industry in Texas as to need a Funeral services Commission? All those executions, I guess. And how inept must one be to mismanage dead people?

"Katharine Armstrong, the ranchÂs owner, told The Associated Press that the accident occurred after Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of a car to shoot at a covey of quail."
-So these guys are DRIVING around the ranch, looking for shit to shoot? Didn't their mamas teach them that fat, drunk, LAZY and stupid is no way to go through life?

friday

2006-02-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

wondering where mom is, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Chicago

2006-02-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

In Chicago for a few days for work. Let it be said that I love this City. It's full of widwestern adventurers from Minnesota and Ohio and St. Louis. It's kinda like NYC, only nice.

I'm going to go eat pizza with John Cusack and Oprah now.

Went here (http://www.saltaus.com/space.html) for dinner last night. The concierge at the hotel told me it was the "hottest table in town." I think they're taking minimalism to a new level, though: I was the only person there. But damn, the food was good.

american splendor

2006-01-31T11:02:00.000-08:00

american splendor, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

I am loving "Ghost Town: While St. Louis Sleeps," a book by local photographer Eric Post. Fearless guy: some of the featured locations are places you do not want to go, much less alone, MUCH less at night.

http://www.booksonstlouis.com/ghtowhstlosl.html

Jewel the Foodie

2006-01-25T13:06:00.000-08:00

Scenario: Melissa and I on couch, absentmindedly watching television. More specifically: watching the terrible american recreation of The Iron Chef. Bobby Flay is running around high on cocaine and yelling at his helper monkeys while creating lamb sushi. He is the Iron Chef, not the challenger. This is disconcerting, but nothing compared to what happens next:

The judges receive their plates, the first of whom is a blonde with terribly capped teeth. Once she is done chomping on a rack of lamb...her face is exposed.

Melissa and I, in unison: "Is that fucking JEWEL?"

Note to the producers of the show: hiring a formally homeless vegan folk singer/poet (I'm being kind with the "poet" moniker) to judge a food show about LAMB is NOT a good move. She has about as much knowledge of the food, about as much right to comment on meat as I would tampons. Read: none.

Dark Star Orchestra

2006-01-25T12:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight Melissa and I are going to revisit our youth and go see Dark Star Orchestra live. The band takes acutal Grateful Dead setlists of yesteryear and recreates them live. I haven't been to any kind of jam band show in a while: it's time to get my annual fill of stinky college trustafarians. The dozens of Dead shows I actually attended while being a stinky college trustafarian are kind of a blur, so this could be a useful experience.

Thoughts regarding the Golden Globes

2006-01-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

-Was I the only one who got sick of all the hype about them serving booze? Stop hitting me over the head with it, a'ite? We get it...those crazy actors could potentially get buzzed and act funny/stupid/controversial. Don't care. Unless Tara Reid was in attendance.

-Scarlett is hot. D'uh. While a little bit Jersey for my californian and midwestern roots, she is second only to Charlize at the top of the list. Still, her bridge-n-tunnel thing does put her in danger of being knocked down by another voluptuous blonde, the model-doctor from Gray's Anatomy. I don't watch the show, only peer over whatever I am reading whenever Mel has it on and whatever-her-name-is is on screen. Promise.

-Mariah Carey looks like a blow up sex doll.

-Paul Giametti got robbed of his pity award. Jeremy Pivens got robbed as well. Oh, speaking of Pics, was he hitting on that reporter? Love the guy.

-Philip Seymour Hoffman: great actor, crappy thank-you-speech-giver.

-I'm going to hell for not seeing the Cash movie, right? I just cannot get over Reese Witherspoon: her presence on screen makes me vomit a little in my mouth. Ryan Phillipe certainly had himself draped all over his (vomit inducing) wife last night. Melissa swears it's because he's loving and supportive and affectionate. I think he's a greedy screen-stealing mooch.

-Brokeback Mountain. Haven't seen it yet. Mostly because I live in the Midwest and I imagine that the same people who protest abortion clinics are taking time off to stone those leaving the theatre. I am damn sick of all of the hoopla about this being a controversial movie, though. It's just a story about some kinda forbidden love, right? Kinda like Romeo & Juliet, with butt sex, right?

-Clooney is a cool f'ing guy. The man's man of this generation. And you've gotta love his quote, ""And who'd name a kid Jack, with a last name that ends with 'off'".

-Where the hell was TomKat? I needed my crazy fix of the day.

-I cannot hear anything about The Chronicles of Narnia without singing Lazy Sunday. It's all about the hamiltons ba-bee.

-I would totally date Drew Barrymore, but she looked kinda scary. I'm not sure how she walked in heals without tripping over her own boobs. Put a leash on those things. The bra-less look with invisible material is usually a good thing. In this case I didn't need to see where her babies feed.

-Lost deserved to win, mostly because I don't watch any of the other shows.

-I once watched "House" for about 17 minutes. I found the lead character- whose girl name is escaping me- so unbelievably annoying that I almost went and got all stabby. Apparently I am the only one.

-Mary Louis Parker winning for Weeds over every single one of the over rated, getting more desperate by the minute housewives= awesome, especially after Chris Rock's "one of these kids is doing hew own thing" monologue.

-When did Geena Davis get fat?

Beautiful Midwest Weather

2006-01-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

Today's weather:
Snow and Windy
33 Feels Like 22

Two weeks ago I was in shorts, drinking a daquiri (yeah, a mother f'ing daquiri. You got a problem?) poolside. Yesterday it was about 60. Today? 33 with a beautiful mix of snow, rain, and ice pellets.

Being Friday, I think the night calls for a fire, piece of meat and some scotch. Complete hibernation. Lock it down, don't come out until spring. Maybe I'll go a little crazy and reenact the Shining.

Homer: No beer and no tv make Homer go something-something.
Marge: Crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! Heanmdhythdnvihv, mcdsafdfdsafdsanmf,vZNCvnlsadknfv,mdsanvhv.

A Very Short, Non-broadband Note For Bryan:

2006-01-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

Schoolbus!

sunshine daydream

2006-01-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

sunshine daydream, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Payton follows the sun around the house, napping in whatever bright spot that he can find, whether it be on a couch, stair, or (in this case) corner office. This makes for easily taken photos of him, and the sun-worship further affirms that that the dog senses his human's 4th generation california roots, and yearns to head west.

holiday abundance

2006-01-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

holiday abundance, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Melissa and I spent Christmas at her parent's house in Scottsdale. It was a great time, and I was amazed at how much they made me feel comfortable and part of the family. These people know how to do christmas right: look at all those presents. Jokes about people in Scottsdale being the ultimate consumers aside, their kindness and good spirits are infectious. Even for my sarcastic soul.

Scenario: During a brief lull in between dinner and dessert, Joe (the Dad) and I have a chance to talk:

ME: Um, Joe, I have a quick question for you that I meant to ask yesterday when we were playing golf.

JOSEPH: Yes?

ME: I was wondering if it would be okay to ask Melissa to marry me, we're good for each other and happy and in love and have fun...

JOSEPH: This is supposed to be a quick question?

Funny guy, that Joe. After making me almost choke on my wine with the above question, he gave his blessing.

Note to family members, many of whom seem to be confused by the above conversation: we are not (yet) engaged. I was simply asking for his permission to ask. I was under the impression that this tradition was a polite gesture and a sign of respect.

Did I mess up the order, or something? Both our Dads seem to think that we'd actually gotten engaged. Whoops...

Willow and I Visiting the New Lot

2006-01-03T13:24:00.001-08:00

IMG_0533, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Willow and I checking out the new lot in Querencia, where Mom and Dad are building their dream house. Unbelievably beautiful place. When leaving the gated community, a guard hands out bottled water. Upon thanking him, his response was "I make the dreams happen." I was under the impression that building a new house in Baja was the dream, but if plastic encased water does the trick I'm due for an uncomfortable conversation with the parents.

The title for this photo could be:

"A new lott and and old lott visit a new lot," or something equally clever

or:

"Jason with Beautiful Niece and Huge Chunk of Food in Back Tooth"

Both are catchy.

lunch

2006-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

lunch, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Multiple Willow pics in Mexico to follow. I made up for lost time by following her around with the camera for two days, no doubt scaring the shit out of her. I'm a great uncle.

palapa fronds

2006-01-03T13:22:00.002-08:00

palapa fronds, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

raise your hands

2006-01-03T13:22:00.001-08:00

raise your hand if you're glad, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Willow Close

2006-01-03T13:22:00.000-08:00

Willow Close, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Willow the Willful

2006-01-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

Willow, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

old querencia cactus

2006-01-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

old querencia cactus, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

This cactus is hundreds, if not thousands, of years old.

Sunset: La Playa Casa del Mar

2006-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

IMG_0660, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

My Early Retirement

2005-12-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

'Time to burn a bridge and a closet full of entry-level business suits. Freed from the shackles of commercial real estate development, I can now retire early and build that damn dream home at the beach. Or in the mountains. Jungle? Desert? NYC? Wha? Too early in the career to even have a dream? Pathetic.

I owe this unbudgeted retirement to all of you, my legion of loyal readers and the advertisers who scam them. In following the trend of successful bloggers everywhere, I ran a valuation... which spat back the great news:

"My blog is worth $0.00.How much is your blog worth?"

D'oh. I had better get back to work. Immediately after I recall that threatening email to my boss.

Damn you all, you non-existent readership.

chew on this

2005-12-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

chew on this, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Payton's sole purpose in life, and greatest joy, is destroying dog chews. We'll come home from work and the carcasses of monkeys, goats, and seahorses will be strewn around the living room in a grisly display of animal cruelty.

This particular toy, a gift from my Mom, has lasted longer than any other. I think P feels that the pink isn't manly enough to warrant destruction.

How High is this Guy?

2005-12-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

Bend Over and Take It Like a Good American

2005-12-07T15:07:00.002-08:00

'Favorite part of Morford's SF Chronicle article regarding americans being too fat for traditional needles to be effective. Our butts are so goddamn big these days that physicians are now being advised to use longer, stronger needles so that the medicines get to the intended target. I'm guessing that this is particularly true in Missouri, if I use my office center as a representative example. There are some very large asses in this place.

"Health is a change in the way you think, the way you tread the world, the way you kiss and screw and lick and chew, the way you hold your
space, hold your lover, let the spirit move and dance and evolve and how you laugh in the face of religious scowling and crass junk-food marketing and heartless neocon smirks.

Because truly, we are in a place now where evolution is scowled upon, increased awareness is discouraged and excess is our national birthright. What the hell did we expect? Lean, nimble and strong? Of course not. Now bend over and take this two-foot needle in your butt like a good American. "

Amen. I'm off to the food court to grab me a funnel fryer and talk about gawd, homos, and killing shit.

Park(ing)

2005-12-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

I think this is great:
http://www.rebargroup.org/projects/parking/index.html#

Funny, poignant comment on urbanism and our unfulfilled need for more open green space, especially in dense environments.

The concept of parking spaces/meters serving as temporary leases has legs. All kinds of fun and hooliganism to be had by all.

Via superhero:
http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/

Sunny Day

2005-12-03T17:01:00.000-08:00

arch, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Sweepin the clouds a-way.

Back when the fields were green

2005-12-03T15:24:00.000-08:00

BFGL 2, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

The weather is as drab and bleak as you can imagine. But, in the words of the Optimistic Midwesterner at the Park:

"At lease it isn't sleeting."

For my friends in Southern California:

Sleet:
1) Precipitation consisting of generally transparent frozen or partially frozen raindrops.

2) A mixture of rain and snow or hail.

3) A thin icy coating that forms when rain or sleet freezes, as on trees or streets.

lafayette square pond

2005-12-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

water, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Oh Shit.

2005-12-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

I've become one of those weirdos with a blog whose every other post is a picture of his pet.

I hereby promise to return to snarky observations about why the midwest is...different. Heckles and sarcasm by the boatload. Less pretty pictures of candles and puppies: more of rednecks, meth mouth and jesus billboards.

M'kay?

got leftovers?

2005-12-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

got leftovers?, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Woof.

Melissa's Table

2005-12-01T10:44:00.000-08:00

centerpiece, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Melissa made the room look all festive and purty and yummy smelling.

'Much better than the mismatched plates and lone bottle of bourbon that I would have gone with if put in charge… then again, Mel is festive and purty and yummy smelling, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Thanksgiving

2005-12-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

mantle close, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Thanksgiving turned out to be a great time in St. Louis: nice crisp weather and the parents visiting SL for the first time.

I've discovered that for a three to four day window, you can actually make this city look pretty damn cool. Which it is, especially if you (like my rents) live in Cleveland.

I am not going to slam any city I've even lived in, especially a town as oft-abused as C-Town, but touring around the Lou gave me a fresh appreciation that this place is alright, and at the very least could be worse.

So color me thankful for my new home. Also, more importantly, parents who are smart, entertaining and very good looking.

A quick precautionary tale and final bit of thanks:
While the bird was cooking on the grill mom and dad told a horror story of some poor friend of theirs, whose first thanksgiving turned into a nightmare because she done forgotted to take the giblet bag out of the turkey. 'Whole thing turned into a melted-plastic bad acid trip. A cold sweat spread through my body...I had removed crap from the main cavity but NOT the neck portion. Uh-oh, here comes another classic Jason mistake, to be heckled about at holidays for eternity, to be passed down to future generations and told as a precautionary tale at cocktail parties throughout the Midwest.

So: I am eternally grateful for the fine people at Straubs for including the nasties in a fire-proof paper sack that didn't ruin the meal...damn thing turned out great, regardless of the fact that I am indeed an idiot.

We're number three!

2005-11-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

'Just to recap: in recent weeks Missouri was rated #1 in meth lab closures (twice the volume of the second state), #1 in syphilis, and #3 in ghonnerea cases. Those are all fine and dandy when it comes to awards, but today it was announced that St. Louis is the THIRD most dangerous city to live in!
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/stlouiscitycounty/story/0D1170CBA78D0F6F862570C0001BE022?OpenDocument

You know the city is struggling hard when the opening line in the local paper is:
"St. Louis isn't the most dangerous city in which you can live, but it's close, according to a report released today by a private research firm." This is a paper that can take ANY news regarding any story throughout the planet and not only find a connection to SL, but do so in a positive light.

I say, stop fighting it, SL! Embrace your inner edginess! There are a million ways to die in this city, and we should wear that like a badge of fucking honor!

Hip-hip-hooray! "We're gunning for you, Detroit. " Catchy new ad slogan for the fine folks at the tourism board.

On a side note, the most dangerous cities seem for the most part to be located in red states, while the safest are blue. Coincidence?

star anchor

2005-11-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

star anchor, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

Taken from across the yard at 48X digital zoom. Check out the fly.

I would marry my camera if the state would allow it.

I am Payton, Lord of the Universe

2005-11-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

glamour, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

I am a veeerrry handsome man. Look at me, love me. Listen to me whine incessantly. Allow me to trod upon your bare feet with nails unshorn. Give me your bed, your blanket, your fumbled food.

I am Payton, here me whimper.

The End of the World

2005-11-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php

'Sup.

Crystal, Misery

2005-11-14T14:54:00.000-08:00

From the AP:

"Missouri has led the nation in meth lab seizures each year since 2001. In 2004, the total of all meth lab findings, including chemical dumpsites and discarded lab equipment, was 2,707, more than double the number in runner-up Iowa with 1,300, according to national statistics released by the White House drug control office."

We've got the market cornered on nasty STDs* AND meth labs?

BooYah! Who said the Midwest is not edgy? Can I get a whoop-whoop? Take that, blue states! We've got twice the fun AND twice the Gawd!

*http://jasonsbighead.blogspot.com/2005/11/joys-of-living-in-midwest-version-30.html

The Battle of Lafayette Squre

2005-11-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

Last year I posted around this time of the year that my office building was under attack by lady bugs. While not exactly threatening, the sheer volume of these good luck charms convinced me that there was some kind of conspiracy going on. Eventually, however, my theory proved unfounded and the ladybugs proved benign, disappearing at the next frost.

This new wave of insect conspiracy is much more disturbing.

Last weekend I was awoken at dawn by a very disturbed girlfriend: there was alarge spider on the wall of the bedroom, and it was time for me to step up and be the protective boyfriend...the little lady hates spiders.

I generally don't mind spiders, and appreciate their role as predators of other more annoying insects...but this bastard had scared the GF and cut into my valuable weekend sleep-in time. He had to go. Manliness quotient: high. Johnny Fucking Cash high.

This was a big, mean-looking bastard . Without trepidation but still groggy with sleep, I approached the intruder armed with a rolled People magazine. He was in range, not moving, an easy kill.

The first swat was right on target, but the millisecond before impact the motherfucker *jumped* off the wall. At me. He was pissed and had crazy speed, and I screamed like a little bitch. Manliness quotient: quick downward spike. Anthony Michael Hall in 16 candles low.

After one futile attempt to bat the intruder mid air (slight increase in quotient for the attempt), I turned my attention to the pile of laundry on which he landed.

Again, spider-cricket was perfectly still. Waiting. Preparing. Mocking.

Now completely awake and angry for my public emasculation, I again take aim and wound up an anvil-like death blow. At the last second, I thought I saw a twitch, but was confident I had delivered the death blow. Upon raising the face of Charlize, however, I was stunned to find...nothing. No splattered cadaver. Not even a hairy leg to assure me that I had at leased maimed the thing. Crazy, crazy Neo speed.

He was gone. I searched high and low, digging through the ample laundry pile, underneath the bed, in the bookshelf. Nothing. Humiliated, I retreat back to bed with promises to M that I’d resume the hunt after another hour of sleep, that I had indeed injured him and that he was no threat. M promptly grabs comforter and retreats to the downstairs couch. Me: half naked, without blanket, and unable to kill a simple spider. Manliness quotient at all time low.

Fast forward two hours: make breakfast for the GF in order to recoup some self respect. Eggs and bacon are good. Coffee restores my senses and tweaks me out enough for me to get very angry at our little visitor. Feeling good, projecting strength.

I return upstairs, armed with a big ass fashion magazine, towel, and a Frisbee. Turn room completely over, searching individual books, behind pictures: every nook and cranny in the joint, and the same in the adjoining room. Nothing. Nada. He’s gone, and I’m now resigned to sleeping alone for the rest of my life.

M walks in to check the progress, and is surprisingly supportive until she gets the news that her boyfriend is a pussy. “He’s not in my boot, is he?” she asks, completely terrified at the prospect. The pair of boots in the far corner (the corner very near her) is the only place I didn’t check in the entire second floor. I think the shear evilness of the spider hiding in the GF’s boot was so far beyond reason that it didn’t even register on my radar. But I knew it the second she mentioned it.

Approach closest boot with trepidation. Kick it over, prepared to attack. M runs screaming from bedroom. Nothing. Second boot gets tapped out and…bam. Big fucking spider. Jumping. Down the hallway. Towards the screaming Melissa. Dog is barking out of confusion, spinning in circles, completely useless in the fight. Me, running behind spider: THWACK! Spider jumps at last second, back towards me. THWACK! Spider jumps under nightstand at last minute. Kick nightstand aside and THWA….nothing. Vanished again. Long Duck Dong manliness quotient, lower than low.

Move bed from wall. Check all sheets, pillows, dustbunnies. Nothing. Turn nightstand upside down: Big. Fucking. Spider. Jumping. At. Me. But no screams this time.

Dodge flying spider…my turn to do Neo impersonation: twisting, falling over backwards. Spider and I land around the same time, he four feet away from me in the middle of the room. Out of the corner of my eye I see the Frisbee, which I promptly grab and…in a maneuver even my drunkest ultimate brethren would be proud of, over handed a lob which: Landed. Right. Ontop. Of. The Spider.

He’s now trapped in a green fluorescent jail, which I quick jump on top of and stomp repeatedly, without mercy. Melissa, down the hallway and still screaming, convinced that the sound was me falling over and convulsing in agony. Closer and very careful examination of the overturned Frisbee confirmed a huge mess of spider parts, and TWO BIG FUCKING CRICKET-LIKE legs.

But, after many hours, I had finally killed the little bastard. Worthy adversary. I am a man again, Jake with the red porche and argyle sweater. Only not, um...as gay. I should get away from the 16 candles references and stick with Cash and McQueen as role models. ‘Grew up in the 80s, what can I say.

What I want to know: why the fuck are spiders and crickets cross breeding, and why do they hate us so much? What kind of sick creature was this? It looked like a brown recluse spider (which are very venomous, as it turns out), and certainly had the reclusive thing going on, but those don’t jump (as far as I can tell). I can’t find any cricket in this godforsaken state that is aggressive and climbs on walls.

What the hell is going on in the midwest? Has all of the pollution in the Mississippi created a blinkie-like mutation of super spiders? Seriously: what the hell was this thing? If another one comes into our house I'm going to be forced to quit my job and return to the relatively normal horrors of California. I'd rather go down in the Big One than by spider bite. More manly.

Joys of Living in the Midwest, version 3.0

2005-11-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

Much praise and thanks be given to Neil Diamond that I am not single in this City. Besides the obvious dangers inherent in entering a dating pool consisting of women saddled with religious guilt, shotguns and alcoholic tendencies, being in a monogamous relationship has also spared me a very good chance of catching something naaaasssty:
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/stlouiscitycounty/story/34A5364129F5A767862570B300707033?OpenDocument

Abstinence: it's not just for hypocrites any more! Three cheers for living in sin!

'Kind of reminds me how effective the War on Drugs has been in fighting meth addictions in red states.

rad soda fountain

2005-11-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

rad soda fountain, originally uploaded by jasonmlott.

A cool new soda fountain opened this weekend around the corner from us on Park. Shakes, malts, phosphates, burgers, meatloaf. Mmmmm: an entire page of the menu is dedicated solely to bannana splits.

Sometimes I wish I still smoked pot.

My New Pet

2005-11-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

We've been thinking for awhile that Payton needs a companion, a buddy to hang out with during the day when we...gasp...leave for a few hours without taking him along. The problem as we see it is that Payton is extremely possessive and jealous of other dogs if we show another mongrel attention. The dog freaks out whining if I'm on the telephone*, no doubt dreaming of some conspiracy whereas I'm speaking with Brian from The Family Guy.

So after some research, I've discovered the solution:
Fainting Goats.

Apparently these cute little guys do cute little goat things, with the notable exception that every now and then, they simply pass out. Fall the fuck over and conk out for 30 seconds. This is perfectly normal, and does not cause them any pain or discomfort.

I cannot think of a more enjoyable way for Payton (or myself) to spend an afternoon than by following a goat around the backyard and watching him fall over. And seeing as goats are not dogs, Payton wouldn't get jealous.

As a side bonus for me, Fainting Goats also like beer very much. Probably not a coincidence. I'd also regain a drinking buddy; one that falls over as much as my old college friends, with roughly equivalent IQ and grooming habits. Everybody wins.

http://www.faintinggoat.com/index.htm

*Something like this:
Chris: I don't care what she says, I'm never going back!
Brian: Look you can't run away from your problems Chris. That's what I tried to do. I joined the Peace Corps and a day later I was two continents away.
Chris: Really?
Brian: Yep, but 6,000 miles and all the dope I could smoke still couldn't separate me from my problems. And this was good dope. I mean it was growing everywhere. Oh my God! This one time we got so baked we ended up eating all the food at the food the World Health Organization had airlifted in. Oh man those villagers were so pissed! They tried to chase us, but lemme just say thank God for polio.

Flickr

2005-11-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Busted

2005-10-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

"Are we almost done here? This mask is really constricting my horns."

The Boys in the Hood

2005-10-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

The guy in the camo hat was drinking buds with whiskey chasers. The hipster facing the camera is the trendy one: he was drinking red bull and vodka. It's not just for failed dot-commers anymore, toto.

'Out 55

2005-10-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Mel and I decided to pack up the dog and sexy new camera for a drive to the country, along with a short dayhike. I randomly pick a trail out of a book, and away we went. We do these weekend trips often, and have been in the area before. But this time things seemed a little more bright and crisp, the warbles of the midwest a little more endearing.

As we headed south on highway 55 (which in local vernacular translates to 'out 55'), the fall leaves were starting to explode with color. I'm guessing they will be at their peak (already?) in a week or two.

We passed my favorite billboard, a ginormous sign that reads simply "JESUS" in neon green letters. We passed an amateur monster truck rally...locals with their jacked-up fords and chevys painted bright colors. An infinite number of old churches.

We couldn't have asked for a nicer day to take a walk. Perfect temp, sunny in the low 60s with just enough breeze to make the trees whistle. Even on this perfect fall foliage saturday afternoon extravaganza, we only crossed path with a few other people. Nice trail with beautiful trees and few climbs. For reference, it was the White Oaks trail at Hawn State Park.

Overall it was an entirely enjoyable afternoon. Instead of being our usual disgustingly snobby californian selves, for a few hours that saturday we slowed down and simply treated this place for what it is, as it should be enjoyed. The hike didn't have any Marin-like ocean views, or Sierra Nevada peaks to climb...but it was beautifully deserted and there wasn't a stitch of traffic in getting there.

'Had a great lunch of budweisers and burgers at some crossroads bar on the way home. It was packed with a glorious selection of cowboys in hats, bikers in chaps and farmers in overalls. 'Some professional drinkers at this place, taboot.

'Remember that scene in Barfly when the old drunk can't even raise his shaky hand to drink his shot, so he improvises with a scarve around his neck? Yup, that kinda place. Everybody having a great time, including Melissa and I...with our fancy hiking shoes, german car, german dog and leftie politics.

New Toy

2005-10-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend is the coolest. Check out my new toy, which I will use as torture device for your unsuspecting eyes. Be prepared for an endless supply of Payton glamour shots. You've been warned.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0009GZSSO/qid=1130193394/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-3659395-4910412?v=glance&s=electronics&n=507846

Soooo sexy. Mmmmmm...12X zoom with image stablizer. Mmmmm: bevy of other options that I get to learn about.

I carry this thing with me everywhere, and look at just about everything in a different light. I'm constantly framing, composing, and do-ing other "ings" that make me the geek Mel loves so much.

I'm Baaaack.

2005-10-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm back. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was on the cusp of the soul sucking experience known around the office as "Budget Season." Well we're into it now folks. I spend hours everday ignoring calls and voicemails and emails so that I can rerun NOI projections in multiple scenarios in multiple buildings. If the market crashes, Dubya goes into a coma, and the midwest is attacked by a plague of locusts, how will that effect your bottom line? Can you have a savings in operating expenses in Linclon Nebraska if the average low stays above 36.25 degrees? 27?

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

2005-09-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Mark Morford for making me unbelievably homesick from EssEff:
http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/morford/

What I would give to be shaking my ass alongside the Qool float as it winds its way to Civic Center on a crisp saturday afternoon.

Choosing a Line and Ignoring the Bad DJ

2005-09-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

'Got back Monday from a magical weekend in Santa Fe visiting Bryan, Megan, and my niece Willow (whom I have discussed with much guilt in the past). I will talk about the trip later when I have more time...the aspens turning, wrecking my mountain bike and cracking a rib....WILLOW TAKING HER FIRST STEPS...but for now I want to quickly pass on a little bit of wisdom I picked up from Bryan on said bike trip. My brother is an insightful guy sometimes...not to mention hysterical and supportive. All traits I was reminded of while mountain biking in the hills above Santa Fe on a beautiful late summer afternoon.

When biking down a steep, rocky, rooty trail with a dropoffs on the left and trees on the right, one should not navigate by staring directly down at your front tire. You should not simply look straight down in front of you and focus on the dangers. The only way to truly survive the path, and perhaps do so with speed and grace, is too concentrate on what is downhill, far in front of you. Pick a line through the danger, and stick with it. Your body will automatically adjust to the rocks and roots directly below you...and you can breeze right though whatever obstacle is in your way.

At the first technical part of the decent, I was freaking out and thinking only of the myriad of ways that I could hurt myself. Sure 'nuff, I quickly flipped over my ride and banged myself up. My brother's advice was to pick your line and stick with it, and ignore the "bad DJ" in your head playing the songs that sing of danger. As I got more comfortable with these concepts, I began riding with much greater confidence...and in turn, speed. I was also enjoying myself much, much more.

The more I think about it, the more I think about how lately I've started to stare down at my front tire in life, and not looking far enough down the trail. Things are going unbelievably well in my life right now...and I am happy as I've ever been. I am blessed and fortunate in every aspect of my life. But I think all of us would do well by being reminded to keep looking downhill and ignoring the bad DJs. Once you choose a good line, it is important to stick to it and not be distracted...

That all being said, I am one sore motherfucker.

Carl Lewis Is A Fucking Rockstar

2005-09-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Come on folks, we have to work together.

http://www.blue-fortune.com/video/carllewismusicvideo.mov

'Not sure why this cracks me up as much as it does...

We Know Who Wears the Pants in This Family

2005-09-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

This is a photo from Reuters showing Dubya asking Condi for a bathroom break during the UN Security Council meetings.

Notice the use of capitals in "I think I MAY NEED A BATHROOM break." I think that:
1) "The most powerful man in the world" should not have to ask for a peepee break.
2) If he is indeed the bitch of the relationship and actually does have to ask, one would think he would (at the very least) not be such a damn pussy about it. This guy invades nations over breakfast, doesn't listen to any advice, logic, or reason...yet he hems on whether or not he has to go pee?
3) What exactly is Rove's role in THIS particular mission?

My Brain Is Melting Out of My Ear

2005-09-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

Just thought you should know. If I never see another excel spreadsheet again I will die a happy man.

Good news: I survived (albeit not in the most graceful of fashions) a full project review from the President and COO: two brilliant- yet equally scary- Men Of Power. I don't know what it is about the intensity of these MOPs that turns me into a quivering bowl of jello encased in an entry-level suit.

Bad News: it's budget season here in this lovely multinational corporation. Which means on my horizon looms another mind-boggling array of..you guessed it...excel worksheets. All of which have embedded links that take you to other embedded links that take you to "big ripper" rollup sheets with more links that will change the entire universe with one false hard code. A butterfly beating its wings in california may cause a tsunami in china, but that is nothing compared to the end-of-the-universe affect that occurs when an a property controller fucks up and accidentally messes with my boss' NOI. Nothing in life is more sacred.

Jason needs a cocktail.

Friday Roundup

2005-09-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

I had a bad St. Louis day yesterday, even while having a great time at the ballpark. Allow me a moment to vent:

I am dead fucking sick of:

Shitty beer. Yes, I'm talking to you A-B
Smoke. Everywhere. Is there anyplace you cannot smoke in this city? Inside a gas station for the love of Neil Diamond?
Tank tops and jean shorts.
Bad, bad, bad tattoos. The grim reaper on your shoulder does not make you look dangerous. Just stupid.
The local economy. 'Market sucks. 'Nuff said.
Not to get into the job for fear of getting dooced, but I am dead sick of budgets and having to reforecast every six days and preparing reports for 17 different head honchos.
Humidity and mosquitoes.
The apple tree in my backyard is nothing but a factory for sticky, smelly bombs that drive the dog nuts and attract flies the size of my fist.

Get thee back to California. Okay. I feel better. Oddly enough, I am looking forward to the weekend.

The Greatest News Clip Ever

2005-09-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

http://thinkprogress.org/2005/09/08/cheney-runs-into-trouble-with-the-locals/

"Go Fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney."
Live on CNN. Give THAT guy a medal.

'Betcha Dick is a little peeved that he cut his vacation short. So did Condie, who was in NYC buying shoes as the levees crubled. Wait...so did Dubya, who in fairness did fly over the area in AF1 on his way someplace else.

Is it too early to state that the silver lining to this ideal just might be the end to these joker's corrupt reign? And maybe...and this is a stretch...we as a county will pay some respect to the envioronment?

Journalistic Poor Timing 101

2005-09-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

On the same day that St. Louis is preparing to accept hundreds of evacuees from New Orleans, the Post-Dispatch ran an article ran an article hailing St. Louis as the nation's largest mardi gras. Highlight:

"They don't want to seem too opportunistic, but some local companies and event planners stand to take advantage of New Orleans' misfortune. "

Umm, isn't that the very definition of the word?

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/business/columnists.nsf/martinvanderwerf/story/7713357C4162DB3486257076003254E3?OpenDocument

Gulf Coast

2005-09-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

I cannot even comprehend what I am looking at right now. 'Sending positive thoughts to all those affected by this tragedy. This fills me with an unbelievable sense of sadness.

And, frankly, a bit of anger as well:
http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,372455,00.html

Wednesday Press Conference

2005-08-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

From the AP:
St. Louis, Missouri
August 31, 2005

In a stunning announcement made at City Hall today by St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay, construction will begin immediately on improvements to the City's most recognized and revered symbols: the Gateway Arch. Where currently stands a graceful and open arch that perfectly frames the City's skyline, the improved vision will fill in the open space with poured concrete and add corners to the structure (see attached rendering).

Said Slay, "This improved structure will prevent terrorists from flying planes into any of Downtown St. Louis's high-visibility office buildings." As an added bonus, the Mayor stated, "No longer will the hardworking citizens of Downtown have to look upon the eyesore that is East St. Louis."

Funding for the project will come from the National Government's Anti-Terrorist funds, which are equally divided amongst states, regardless of the probability of attack.

The Mayor added that, along with the unveiling of the new landmark, the City's name will be changed accordingly. While St. Louis was once the Gateway to the West, the currently-undecided moniker will "reflect the isolationist nature of the new midwest, and keep all those goddamn fags and hippies on the coasts where they belong. If Israel can have a wall to keep out those damn ay-rab terrorist palestini-Ans, then so can we. These goddamn peaceniks threaten our children's future, and we're gonna do everything we can to keep them out of our blessed City."

San Francisco Responds To Soaring Gas Prices

2005-08-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

AP - San Francisco
Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Faced with soaring gas prices that have crippled the local economy, the California Dept of Highways announced on Tuesday that they were further expanding the incentives for drivers who use alternate forms of transportation. Green, hybrid and vegetable-oil fueled autos travel for free across the Golden Gate Bridge, as do bicyclists and pedestrians. Ferry, BART and MUNI have agreed to reduce fares as well.

Richard Hurtz of Hayward farms received similar incentives for his prototype ostromobile (pictured, in toll booth photo), which runs solely on hay and it's own feces. Said Hurtz of the added perks inherent in his vehicle, "I can park it anywhere and the chicks really dig it."

There has not been any comment from Washington DC as to what country we are planning to bomb next in response to this increasing oil crisis.

Self Worth

2005-08-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

According to www.humanforsale.com I am worth just over 2.2 Million dollars.
Gotta love capitalism, although in this sad day and age I am afraid that is is a buyer's market and I may be overvalued.

Willow

2005-08-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

I already mentioned that my niece Willow bagged more days on the mountain last winter than I did, at the ripe old age of 6ish months.

Yesterday I learned that they all went rock climbing this weekend. While I understand that she didn't actually do any climbing, she was a lot closer to a carabiner than I have been in far too long.

Must-get-out-to-Santa-Fe-soon. Her one-year birthday is coming up three weeks from tomorrow. Do any of my legions of readers (ie: Bryan and Melissa) have baby presents that are so awesome that a one year old will recognize it's inherent coolness and remember that it came from me, thereby erasing any residual negative feelings of my absence over the past twelve months? Piece of cake, right?

Weekend RoundUp

2005-08-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

The future-mother-in-law was visiting from Arizona this weekend. Her being the first family member and out-of-town guest to stay with us, we were initially anxious about showing off our new home. I think it went pretty well: we've got a solid 3-day presentation down. Any visitors that plan on staying longer may be in trouble.

Truth be told, the main jist of our entertaining, as so often is the case, consisted of eating very, very well.

Friday night: 1111 Mississippi. I had grilled crispy trout. A departure for me, in which I was very pleased. Great service and an awesome bottle of wine. Within stumbling distance of the house, which was handy after an end-of-meal irish coffee.
Saturday night: Wildflower Cafe in the CWE. Beautiful, casual patio dining. Awesome margarita, called jade or orchid or habiscus or such...bitchin'. Had a ribeye stuffed with all kinds of cheeses, and lobster...just to make sure I'm decadent.
I cooked on Sunday, and in keeping with the everything-is-better-when-stuffed school of thought, cooked chicken breasts stuffed with goat cheese, basil and prosciutto. Twice baked potatoes with chives and...a smidgen of (yes, you guessed it) goat cheese. Carmalized green beans wrapped up a frighteningly decadent trio of dinners. Special over-the-top points for driving to Ted Drewes for desert. Burp.

Tonight? Leftover city, yo.

Mos Def (insert cheesy pun here)

2005-08-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Saw Mos Def in a barely-advertised-at-all live show last Thursday. Some thoughts on the show:

Club Toxic is the worst club name in the history of club names. I've seen some crappy monikers before...Club Paranoia jumps to mind...but Toxic is sooooo 90's heroin chic meets britney spears. Evil drug meets redneck riviera, anyone?
Shit happens, I understand. Maybe the performer's plane was late. Audio troubles. Permit issues. I get it, and am patient enough to understand that shows will occasionally start late. But keeping your patrons waiting out side on a humid-ass night is absurd, and certainly doesn't win you any points with your bar staff.
Regarding said bar staff: barely clad hot chicks who serve drinks, promptly and with a smile deserve better from management/ownership.
Was that Lil John at the show? Should I jump out my window right now for even knowing who lil john is? I am 30, afterall.
Mos Def: you friggin rocked, dude. Good mix of older stuff, the slow song was nice, sampling that stupid "Drop It Like It's Hot Song (again: suicide?) was genius. Alot of your stuff really is timeless, and I appreciate your positive messages. Your new wife is gorgeous, good luck to you both.

In a nutshell: great show in a crappy venue.

An Ass as Big As Missouri

2005-08-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

And a Nazi, too:
http://www.bushflash.com/nazi.html

RIP, Six Feet Under

2005-08-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

Although I didn't care for the ending (the die-off montage was just lame) and am genuinely pissed off at the universe that you're leaving us, thanks for the great run. Not sure what I'll do with my sunday nights anymore without a nice dinner and Six Feet Under (last night: lobster ravs with homemade pesto).

At lease now I can cancel HBO. Until The Wire starts up, of course.

Idiosyncrasies

2005-08-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

5 Idiosyncratic tendencies of Jason, the bid-headed OCD-ite (thanks to http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/) for the idea :

1) When putting anything on my feet, whether flip flop, shoe or sock, Left foot ALWAYS goes first. Failing to do so has the potential of ruining the entire day.

2) Everytime I glance at the clock and the numbers ad up to 10, I have to say "wow." I have absolutely no idea why, or when I started this.

3) In shower: shampoo, condition, soap, rinse all. Start over if for whatever reason this ritual gets thrown off.

4) Cannot stand the words "moist" or "doily." Melissa loves making up sentences that involve both, which makes my skin crawl but I love her doing anyways.

5) When cooking, each separate ingredient gets its own bowl while prepping. I am a nightmare to clean up for after cooking...every bowl in the house often gets utilized.

Google Earth

2005-08-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Google Earth (http://earth.google.com/) is the most awsomely efficient way to mis-spend time at work, ever.

Ever. I have spent my lunch flying though the financial district in San Francisco and looking up all of my relative's houses. Exgirlfriends are next.

Not Bad for a Beginner

2005-08-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

There's a wonderfully kind man on my floor at work, who we'll call Clem. Because that is his name, and nobody other than girlfriend and brother read this, and even then sporadically.

Every time I see Clem in the hallway, which happens to be every day, his response to my "How are you today" question is always...always..."Not bad for a beginner." You know, because he's old and shit. Delivered with a perfect smile and tilt of the head...the funniest joke delivered with perfect timing.

But every single time I see you, Clem? For awhile I would try and find ways to say hello and inquire about your general state of mind without leaving it open for you to give this response. It was our little game. But Clem, my man, you started to cheat. In response to "How was your weekend?" You went ahead and told me it was not bad for a beginner. That doesn't even make any sense Clem. Not even close. You can do better. I would like to think that you were being tongue and cheek and gave that reply because you were acknowledging defeat in our little joke, but really don't think that was the case. You cheated, man.

I don't talk much to Clem anymore. I don't know if it because he's a cheater or because he's old and likes to remind me of that everytime I see him.

One-Day Roadtrip Ideas

2005-08-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

Fun Things About Living in the MidWest, Part Two:

From stltoday.com:

NRA convention coming to St. Louis
"This has the potential to be the largest convention in NRA history," said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre in a press release. The city's central location — within a day's drive of one third of the U.S. population and within 300 miles of 400,000 NRA members — was cited as a reason for the decision. "

God Bless America. The NRA is, at the very least, thoughtful of logistics. Other than being completely evil, this organization really has their shit together.