Sideshow Riders, I Salute You

Imagine my surprise that, while sitting in my car eagerly awaiting a post-party-bad-idea-jeans Jack-in-the-Box-burger, I would be treated to the penultimate display of human bad-ass-ness: The drunken motorcycle sideshow.

Right in front of a bar, lined in front with rice rockets and pocket bikes and other unit-enhancing oddities. On an open public street. At midnight on a saturday. I found heaven that night. Not from said cheeseburger with curly fries, but from the spectacular ballet that is your roadshow. I sat transfixed, grease dripping from my craw, as you testosterone laden drunks danced a rodeo of tricks before my vary eyes.

We're not talking simple wheelies, mind you. That is so 80s. In order to get the REAL attention, and no doubt the finest women, one must:

3) Turn donuts into oncoming traffic. Cool, smelly smoke and the oncoming traffic element gives this trick some big-ups, although it is still beginner shit, yo. Rider gets a date with a local tweaker with a jean micromini and scorching case of herpes. -

2) Stand on the back pegs while doing a wheelie, going 90 with no lights. You're teetering awfully close to bad-ass level, my drunken friend. This trickster gets to make out with one of the drunken bartenders, and a free 40 ounce of your favorite Compton tap water.

1) Stand on the seat while the bike barrels down the street into oncoming traffic, without headlights, "look ma no hands." I'm a dude, and straight, but you are one jacked up pimp, homeboy. I salute you. YOU, my fearless leader, get your choice of either: the naughty school-girl wearing asian chick sprawled out across her homegirl's lowered Civic OR the bootylicious homegirl with perfect extensions and derriere that makes me think of the word "orb." I'm not sure if said girls were actually in attendance, but every movie I've ever seen with this kind a thing goin' down always has them lookin' all hot, so I'm sure they existed on Saturday on Gravois.

To the youngster that flipped his bike while trying to wheelie: keep at it, dude. You'll no doubt be the wayward comeback kid in future episodes that don't care about the local clique, or the generally accepted sideshow symposium (GASS). You will be trained by the Lawrence Fishburne character, and get to sleep with his high-breasted daughter/mechanic once your rebellious brand of riding is validated when you take down the opposing gang's much feared leader. He did kill yo poppa, afterall. 'Hope your tailbone isn't cracked and that your out of control motorcycle, having bucked you off, didn't careen into the gang of fawning highschool chicks that were no doubt in attendance as well.

Gentlemen, I salute you.