Wednesday Press Conference

From the AP:
St. Louis, Missouri
August 31, 2005

In a stunning announcement made at City Hall today by St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay, construction will begin immediately on improvements to the City's most recognized and revered symbols: the Gateway Arch. Where currently stands a graceful and open arch that perfectly frames the City's skyline, the improved vision will fill in the open space with poured concrete and add corners to the structure (see attached rendering).

Said Slay, "This improved structure will prevent terrorists from flying planes into any of Downtown St. Louis's high-visibility office buildings." As an added bonus, the Mayor stated, "No longer will the hardworking citizens of Downtown have to look upon the eyesore that is East St. Louis."

Funding for the project will come from the National Government's Anti-Terrorist funds, which are equally divided amongst states, regardless of the probability of attack.

The Mayor added that, along with the unveiling of the new landmark, the City's name will be changed accordingly. While St. Louis was once the Gateway to the West, the currently-undecided moniker will "reflect the isolationist nature of the new midwest, and keep all those goddamn fags and hippies on the coasts where they belong. If Israel can have a wall to keep out those damn ay-rab terrorist palestini-Ans, then so can we. These goddamn peaceniks threaten our children's future, and we're gonna do everything we can to keep them out of our blessed City."