St. Louis Heat

It is mother-f'ing hot in this mother-f'ing state right now. 103 yesterday, not even factoring in humidity.

I have never seen so many pairs of jean shorts.

Without exaggerating, I would seriously give a finger for a week off in San Francisco. I swear to never bitch about fog again, Saint Francis. Sitting on the patio of Finnegan's Wake in Cole Valley with a cold beer in hand, surrounded by friends wearing sweaters and fleece, awaiting my turn on the ping pong table, sounds nothing short of orgasmic right now.

Anybody need a severed finger? Think of all of the non-Wendy's (its been done, and poorly at that) things you can do with my left pinky finger.

Payton

When the dog vomits he eats it right back up before I can get to it and clean it up. Should I be revolted by the sheer disgusting-ness of this, or grateful for him for relieving me of the need to clean it up? It's completely vile...but he's doing it to make me happy, right?

Either way, I give him a treat every time it happens. Helluva party trick.

Evil Wizards Who Threaten Christianity vs. Evil Wizards Who Deserve Medals

I mentioned to a coworker this morning that I was reading the new Harry potter book.

Midwest-Administrative-Assistant-Type-Fatass-Lady immediately admonishes me for "supporting a piece of literature that goes against the church and teaches the word of Satan to our defenseless youngsters."

This is the same woman who told me the previous week that Karl Rove deserves a medal.




Just to be clear:
-Beloved children's books featuring cautionary tales of good triumphing over evil are bad. Got it. Children don't understand that magic isn't real, and can't be trusted to formulate their own opinions. Check. Fictional magic in said children's book leads to the destruction of the moral fabric within this country and will turn our offspring into devil worshipping liberals who will clean their teeth with the spines of newborns, do copious amounts of soul-destroying drugs and who will (GAWD forbid) be attracted to someone of the same sex. Good point. I'll go burn the book.

-A man who stole an election, lied to the entire world in order to start a ficticious war that kills hundreds of thousands of innocents, leaked sensitive security information, planted a gay male escort as a fake reporter to lob the president easy questions at press gatherings...DESERVES A MEDAL?

Okay. I see the logic. I've been so lost. Thank you, MAATFL, for saving my soul and those of our children.

On a related note, a few days ago Mark Morford of the SF Chronicle wrote what has to be the scariest paragraph ever put to paper:
"Maybe this scandal is, in fact, part of a larger and even more Machiavellian strategy orchestrated by the evil genius himself, one designed to backfire on the Dems and elevate Rove to the point of bizarre saint, a patriotic hero, in a fantastical but not unthinkable effort get Rove promoted, maybe even (eventually) appointed -- brace yourself, because this could actually happen -- to the Supreme Court. "

In times like this, I wish there were wizards to save us Muggles from ourselves. God help us all, indeed.

Bad Uncle

Reading Andrea's superhero blog (http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/) from today got me all reflective and melancholy.

I've never changed Willow's diaper, and everyday that passes is another noise, laugh, hurdle that I've missed from the evolution of my beautiful niece. Am I destined to be that far-away uncle that only sends unwanted gifts, or shows up buzzed for tofu-turkey on thanksgiving?

I'm pretty close to my uncles and didn't get to spend everyday with them growing up, but at least we were in the same state...the same time zone (damn you, sucky Central Standard Time zone). Will little Willow have a funny name for me, like my Uncle Duck?

The entire thought is just too depressing: I'm booking a flight to Santa Fe tonight. Or maybe I'll suddenly become creative and musical and put something together like Arlo's Uncle:
http://www.jenville.com/pleasures/uncleliamshow.html

Munchkin, if you're reading this 15 years from now, know that your uncle in far away Missouri (that still doesn't sound right) was thinking about you on this day. Hopefully by then you'll be my neighbor and you're sick of my being around and interested in your life and beating up all of your boyfriends.

Friday Highlights

Getting a nice bottle of california chardonnay in the mail from Craig in SF

Mark Morford's article on why Spain and Cananda are going to fall into the grates of hell for legalizing gay marriage: http://sfgate.com/columnists/morford/

The BLAT I just had for lunch. Fresh tomatoes, crisp hickory bacon, flawless avocado, bread toasted just right. Yummy. I could eat one every day.

The long weekend ahead: we havn't made any plans, but I am sure that cold beer ,red meat, and thunderous explosions will play into it.

I found myself inn the backyard pulling weeds from the cracks in the bricks. Payton watched me for awhile, and then began to eat every weed in sight. Maybe he's not so lazy and dim after all.

'Standing in front of my building, talking to a coworker who happens to be in a short skirt. Skateboarding teenager cruises by and cattcalls about said coworker's butt. Skater looks back to gawk further, completely missing the curb in front of him. Skater hits curb and is sent flying onto the pavement, bouncing a couple of times. Coworker and I continue conversation as if nothing has happened.